hatred

This afternoon I attended a meeting in my office and suddenly and deeply felt that this was not a place for me, these co-workers were never my kin, never and not at all, they were totally strangers whom I can never understand and communicate with. So many wasted hours, wasted my precious days in this horrible office have destroyed many of my job abilities, I feel. Now I can't think systematically at all, not only at work but also at home. I know having stayed in this stupid office was my decision so I can't blame anyone but it's sad that nobody in the office sets a proper value on me as a staff. For years I had done many good jobs for our business, I believe, and some people kindly assured me of it, but not any superiors here. They seem to like simpler, more obedient and "not having his own thought, idea and belief" type employees with far less skill. Now far more incompetent amateurs are handling "my" jobs and I myself have no idea how to manage the job I was given, in which I can't use my own skill. Being in this office is just an agony, really, an never-ending agony. Now this job is just for money but it's a terrible shame to sell my own time - my days, months and years - just for money.

Sometimes this sort of despair visits me and it made me totally impotent in being concentrate on my job, or on anything. I felt sheer hatred for all of my co-workers and the office. Today was such a black day. I just tried not to shed tears in the office. Now they would devalue me, I can understand it because I have done almost nothing for these 2 years in the office but it's because they never let me do something I can do, especially the things I can do far better than the others. I really want to do some meaningful job but at present I can't be sure about my job ability after these too long time which is killing my skill day by day. I know I should have left this terrible company years before and found the proper job for me but it's impossible to find such proper job with enough salary in this country.

Sorry, I know very well that this is just childish, stupid complaint, meaningless, I write this now in the office because I can't think about my job and want to do something, anything, even just complaining. I write this just to keep my sanity and calmness. I'm sure I'm OK, maybe in the evening I'll be fine again but after such stupid self-doubt and mental turmoil I really can not believe my own sanity.