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A thought on rainy day
Oct. 23rd, 2020 06:08 pmThe weather is changeable. After some slightly cloudy but generally comfortable days today it's raining again, the temperature is not very low but I feel chilly with the wet air and gloomy colour of sky I can peek up from the skylight in the loft where I now do my job.
At the moment the COVID situation is so so here, not as severe as in the other countries, my life is as peaceful as before and mostly ordinary. Still I feel uneasy.
Some days ago I had a kind of quarrel via e-messages with my best friend. We have apologised each other still it left me the bitter feeling that even the best friend has her own sense of values which I can never fully understand or fully agree with. Recently I have wrote some letters and e-mails to my friends and got some nice replies from some of them, it might be the best thing I can do to feel the friendship when I can't see them directly, but even with those nice messages I can't help feeling of isolation. I see little meaning in my current job, and in the evening of workday I feel little motivation to do something creative.
This blue feeling occurs to me sometimes but never on sunny weekend so this is because of this gloomy weather, I know it well. But at the same time I can't help but noticing that I'm basically in a light depressed state because of this pandemic in which we could have just a vague and uneasy prospect of future world.
I know I'm a fortunate one with no infected family member or close friends, with the job and income, with the house and garden, no serious problems in my life. So this is not a complaint, just a fact I understand.
This will be surely the first year when I have not traveled abroad during this 30 years. I'm an ordinary office worker and have never lived in foreign country, far from it, I have lived in City of Yokohama for most of my life. But this doesn't mean I've felt satisfied. I like my house, living in Yokohama, the climate & nature here. But as for the human relationship, I have always felt uncomfortableness with the Japanese society, its strong peer pressure, intolerance, narrow outlook, like I'm not one of "them" in some part of my mind. And to me, visiting other countries is the way in which I confirm that my country is just a small part of the whole world and Japanese way of thinking is not the only way. The way in which I can feel free from my own culture. In a word, the precious and necessary escape from my daily life. Visiting other culture gives me the energy to go on here in this culture.
Now with no prospect of traveling abroad in near future I've felt being locked up, felt my world has suddenly become small.
I'm trying to focus on my daily life and enjoy the small nice things and small events, and patiently waiting for all the doors would open to the world. I'm OK. Still on such chilly gloomy day I feel quite melancholy :(
At the moment the COVID situation is so so here, not as severe as in the other countries, my life is as peaceful as before and mostly ordinary. Still I feel uneasy.
Some days ago I had a kind of quarrel via e-messages with my best friend. We have apologised each other still it left me the bitter feeling that even the best friend has her own sense of values which I can never fully understand or fully agree with. Recently I have wrote some letters and e-mails to my friends and got some nice replies from some of them, it might be the best thing I can do to feel the friendship when I can't see them directly, but even with those nice messages I can't help feeling of isolation. I see little meaning in my current job, and in the evening of workday I feel little motivation to do something creative.
This blue feeling occurs to me sometimes but never on sunny weekend so this is because of this gloomy weather, I know it well. But at the same time I can't help but noticing that I'm basically in a light depressed state because of this pandemic in which we could have just a vague and uneasy prospect of future world.
I know I'm a fortunate one with no infected family member or close friends, with the job and income, with the house and garden, no serious problems in my life. So this is not a complaint, just a fact I understand.
This will be surely the first year when I have not traveled abroad during this 30 years. I'm an ordinary office worker and have never lived in foreign country, far from it, I have lived in City of Yokohama for most of my life. But this doesn't mean I've felt satisfied. I like my house, living in Yokohama, the climate & nature here. But as for the human relationship, I have always felt uncomfortableness with the Japanese society, its strong peer pressure, intolerance, narrow outlook, like I'm not one of "them" in some part of my mind. And to me, visiting other countries is the way in which I confirm that my country is just a small part of the whole world and Japanese way of thinking is not the only way. The way in which I can feel free from my own culture. In a word, the precious and necessary escape from my daily life. Visiting other culture gives me the energy to go on here in this culture.
Now with no prospect of traveling abroad in near future I've felt being locked up, felt my world has suddenly become small.
I'm trying to focus on my daily life and enjoy the small nice things and small events, and patiently waiting for all the doors would open to the world. I'm OK. Still on such chilly gloomy day I feel quite melancholy :(