I have a long relationship with my friend Mari. Never being very close but we have been friends for about 40 years.
Mari is a smart lady who has graduated from one of the best universities in Japan, got a job at one of the biggest companies in Japan, then quited the job to study abroad. She has read many books, can speak good English and understand Russian, has learnt horse riding and traveled overseas many times. And she has good looks. But she has been mostly unhappy, always worrying. According to her she is always treated unfairly in the office, her co-workers and bosses are all stupid and never understand her. First I and other friends sympathized with her and got angry for her, but after some years we have learned that she herself had never listen to nor understand other people's saying and worries, always obsessed with her own problems and can never imagine what other people feel. She has wanted to get married to a smart, good looking man with a high income and complete understanding of her, have children and nice family since her 30s but never found a suitable man. She is now 60 and still brooding on why she failed in finding a partner.
When she was younger, she showed good nature, for example the vivid curiosity about many things or motivtion to study. But recently every time I talked (or wrote, or e-mailed) to her - most of time I try to cheer her up or give her some advice to feel easier - I run into quite unpleasant experiences in the end because she always assert that she is right, I am wrong, I don't understand her at all etc. She behaves as if she loves being unhappy and feeling miserable.
Now I know well that she is mentally distorted, morbidly persists in her own opinions. Her interest is always just in herself. What a waste of life and talent! So, in spite of her intellect and our mutual good will and friendship, she is a quite unpleasant person to associate with. And now I believe this is because of some disorder in her brain, very close to "mentally disabled" condition.
You might ask me why I don't give her up, don't break off the relationship with her. Well ... one of the reasons is that I still feel she is my friend, and furthermore, I can learn what I should do and what I should not do or say from her inappropriate attitude.
Not keep grumbling about what I have not got in the past, but count what I have in my hands. Not ask others for pity and help but help others first when I can. Not complain of the loneliness but say hello to anyone who passes by me. These are all Mari - her shameful attitude has taught me. They are sometimes difficult to do but I try to do. And I hope Mari herself would learn the same thing some day.

On the last Friday(the national holiday) I visited my cousins' new house in Tokyo. My aunt (my mother's sister) and her two daughters(my cousins) live there together. I enjoyed to see and be in the house, it's a rather big, and beautiul house with big living room and many windows. They are a talented family, my aunt is an amateur painter, one of my cousins is a researcher of the Japanese art in the medieval period and the other is a nurse who is in charge the health care of the employees of some company. They are not the ordinary housewife nor officeworkers, have the strong character. Thus their house is also rather unique, very different from mine. What has impressed me then was that how different in what kind of house people feel comfortable was. Their house was nice but I would not feel very relaxed in it, for me the rooms seem to be too big and have too much space and not with enough furniture. The house reflect the owner's character, it seems.
This is one of the reason why I like visiting the private houses of other peole :)

This morning when I was walking to the office through the residential area I involuntary looked at the garden trees or plants in the small front yards, then I was struck by the impression how those plants looked beautiful. The shape of trees, how their small leaves come up from the thin twigs, green and red colour of leaves. Some trees already showed small buds on their bare branches, even the dead vine left on the outer wall of the small houses showed the beautiful design. If I were an artist I might be able to draw pictures of those leaves and branches for weeks with much joy. And the sunshine, after 2 gloomy days, clearly added some beauty to those small, ordinary plants.

Well, there is pure beauty everywhere in this world if we are ready to see. Because the world is full of horror and unfairness now, we need more eye for these natural beauty.

Since the end of the last year, I have tried to plan my holiday trip. Domestic, and foreign. I’m an office worker and usually do my job by myself(means, can not ask someone to do my job during my absence), so do not have much choice when to travel. It’s not difficult to take 1 or 2 days off from the office, but as for 1 week or 10 days travel… yes, I need to plan it some months prior and manage many things.
First I have to decide where to go of course, but I also need to think if it’s the good time to visit there. Mostly the purpose of my trip is outdoor activities- hiking, or if possible sea kayaking so the weather is the important point, but difficult to know beforehand, of course XD And I need to book the hotels or the flight tickets, to get them as reasonable as I can.
As for the foreign trip, I’d like to visit UK, there are 2 areas where I want to go. They are Cornwall and Scotland - as you know they are literally the opposite ends of the country XD - and I want the relaxed stay, not the bustling up to visit many places, so I should decide which to go - I can’t take the vacation long enough to visit both areas. It’s difficult to choose for I have some good friends I’d like to meet in both areas, (though I’m not sure if they’d have time to see me). Also, I have heard about the difficult situations in UK last year - the strikes of the public transportation or the confusion at the international airport etc, they discourage me a lot. I can’t foresee them like I can’t the weather. Should I risk my precious paid holidays and much money for that uncertainty?
And, in the first place, should I make holiday trips for fun, when so many people are suffering, especially in my own country, in Noto peninsula where many people are dying in the damaged buildings just now, or losing everything and suffering at this very moment? Should I use my money for those people, not just for my fun? Maybe enjoy just a short domestic trip and donate the rest of the money?

So, I can’t decide anything at the moment, so hesitant about many things :(

About quarter past 4pm, I, mother sister and her husband were in the living room, enjoying the tea and some sweets in the relaxed mood. Then we noticed the suspended lampshades were waving, then the quiver. The earthquake. It’s not a big quake here but soon we found it was big enough around Kanazawa and Noto peninsula, to cause the tsunami. The TV reporter has kept warning the local people to evacuate as soon as possible for hours, for tsunami could come hours after the quake. We had tea time together, then supper - the new year’s day feast but kept the TV news program on. There were the fire, collapsed houses and damaged roads, flood caused by the waves etc in the damaged area. Around 5pm it’s got dark and nobody knows how bad the damages were though there seems to be many casualties, I’m afraid many are killed. I have just hoped this new year would be a peaceful one but it started with the natural disaster. This of course spoiled our joy of the new year and family gathering. I hope not many people were killed…

24th Dec. I have got the annual greeting cards from my foreign friends recently. It’s fun not to read the message but to see what kind of cards they have chosen. Though during the last few years some friends have decided not to send the ordinary card but to send e-message. I understand, e-mail message is easy, doesn’t cost, and punctual. I found recently more and more cards don’t arrive safely, in many countries the postal service seems to have problems. Some cards arrived late in Jan or Even in Feb. It’s so ridiculous.

StillI prefer the ordinary cards which I can display in my room, and read many times. For example, isn’t this card very cute and enjoyable to see?

Recently every morning I woke up from bad dreams, with unhappy, unpleasant feeling. I don’t want to start a new day with such gloomy feeling but frankly, recently I often feel unhappiness or isolation so such unpleasant waking up seems to be quite natural :(. It’s mainly because of the office problem which I can’t solve by myself but also, partly the problem of my own life :(
Well… at least I can see the nice photos of my rabbit or garden cats to soothe myself.


The garden cats in the morning sun, yesterday morning.

But… it’s quite intolerable to have such days at the end of an year, and at my age when we should be satisfied with our own life… :(

It is fine and dry. Rather comfortable early winter day. Though I have felt quite blue and unpleasant for hours. I think I should feel happy... and it depresses me more that I can't feel happy on such day :(

Today I worked at home. It’s a fine day, in the morning it’s chilly but during the daytime the temperature rose, so rather a comfortable early winter day.


Our garden cats were relaxing on the verandah in the bright sunshine.




When I went out into the garden sometimes I could enjoy the nice smell of chrysanthemum:)


My rabbit Krurun was also relaxed on the carpeted floor, under the chair :)

But it’s sad to think that many people are seriously suffering or dying at this very moment when I enjoy this quiet day…

In the morning, when I do my morning tasks, very often many ideas about what to do visit me. Like, it's the time to write to someone - I should ask the gardener about some tree in our garden - I'll clear the old cardboards in the shed - I find a good motif to draw, etc. Oh yes, each idea seems to be quite good and reasonable, I'll do them on the coming weekend, or in the evening...

Then I left home to the office, work in the office for 8 hours, come home in the evening and have supper. After I clear the table of supper usually I have 1 or 2 hour free time before going to bed. But, at that time in the evening every tasks seem to be very troublesome, I just sit on an armchair with a book. On weekend I'm rather busy with the ordinary houseworks, or weeding garden etc, seldom do the tasks I have thought of on workday mornings. Every task which has come to my mind remains undone, my to-do list never gets shorter. This depresses me every night... :(

This is because just I'm lazy? Yes. Or, because I'm too tired in the evening? Yes it might be. But also...
In the morning I’m busy with such ordinary and tribial tasks like feeding Krurun and cleaning her toilet, making my packed lunch, packing up trash to take them out, changeing the clothes and putting on makeup etc, this busyness might make my head work. But in the office... during these 2 weeks my job has been quite dull, often I find I have nothing to do - at least no interesting nor meaninful tasks :( But I can't go out or read books in the office, have to pretend to work thus I just look at the computer screen, browsing the websites meaninglessly X( Such useless, dull hours surely make my brain foggy, deaden my energy to do the things I should do. Maybe if I get busy with my job in the office, I would become more active after work? I'm not sure...