Katriona's Diary

This morning too I woke up with uneasy feeling from a bad dream. Recently I often have bad dream in early morning and wake up with anxiousness. It's cloudy today so the hotness is better. Better? The morning temperature was 28°C and daytime temperature might be 33°C - after the from 29° to 36°C days now I feel 33°C is bearable :( But the humidity is still high, the air is heavy.

Even in such hot and humid days some of my co-workers keep wearing masks. Because the number of the patients of Covid and other infectious diseases are increasing recently and some people are quite cautious. I usually don't wear mask but always bring one, just on the very crowded train or bus I wear it, mainly just to feel safe.

Recently I have read a good book about the American society - about how the Establishment has monopolized the wealth and destroyed the decent lives of the middle class people during the last 30 or 40 years, and about the common but hard-working, good-natured people living mostly in countryside who could find no other one whom they fancy to help them than that crazy Donald Trump. It seems that “great country” is now in the horrible situation. And everyone can imagine such terrible unequalness could happen here in Japan too in very near future. As one of the ordinary middle class citizens what can I do to prevent it? Almost nothing, I'm afraid.

Now many people are so excite about the Olympic Games but I can't be one of them. Just when we are watching the broadcast from Paris the Ukraine town are being destroyed and people are being slaughtered in Gaza. I rather believe that Israel (or murderer Netanyahu) considers this Olympic is the opportunity to divert the world's attention from their attempt of genocide of Palestine people. What a rotten, crazy world we live in!

It is 6th August. The 79th memorial day of Hiroshima. The cenotaph of the helpless stupidness of the human beings.

In the severe summer heat, I feel gloomy.

Now it's summer, every day we hear the cicadas' singing from early morning to sundown. It's sometimes a bit noisy but the beautiful summer chorus. And their life after the eclosion is short. Often we see dying or dead cicada on the ground. When I find dying one on the ground or pavement I pick it (usualy it has the last energy to cling to my finger) and move it on the grass or leaves then it won't be crushed by human feet or vehicle. Yesterday I found a cicada on the pavement out of my house, bent my knee to see if it's still alive. Unfortunately it's already dead, gathered many tiny ants so nothing I could do. And looking at the dead cicada and ants, I thought ... every life would eventualy end like this, no difference between a small insect or a human being, sooner or later.
Summer climate is severe, and maybe because of it, this is the time when I sometimes feel the transitoriness of life.

It's weird. Or, just horrible. The midday temperature is about 37°C, over the ordinary body temperature. In the early morning it's better for there was some wind, but it has ceased during the daytime. Now in the evening no wind comes from open windows, and the temperature doesn't drop, in not-air- conditioned rooms the air is hot, humid and stale. And the mid summer has just begun. We are all so uneasy and anxious ...


The summer morning sky. It’s before 8am but the sunshine is already strong.


One of our garden cats, at 9am.


The same cat in the middle of the afternoon. A poor boy … it must be too hot and tough even on the stone in the shade…

This morning I woke up all in sweat :( The first thing I did was opening the window to get the air in - it's a bit cooler than the inside air. It's 5:30. At 630 the temperature was almost 28°C, this was the highest temperature in a midsummer day when I was a child, now it's the lowest. Just crazy. The highest temperature today was 33°C, and the weather forecast says tomorrow it'd be 35°C, then 38°C on Monday. Where has the rain cloud of the annual rainy season gone? Officially it has not ended yet - and yes, the high humidity shows we are still in the rainy season - the humidity was over 80% this morning. The weekly house cleaning was like an agony today, I sweated badly and exhausted :(
This summer heat, and the artificial cold air from the air conditioner - both make me feel a bit dizzy, it's terribly difficult to concentrate in something...

Recently I went to a small art museum holding th exhibition of the photos of the sky. I didn't know the photographer nor had a particular interest in the exhibition, I went there just because someone has given me the ticket XD Though the exhibit was good. It's the collection of the photos of the night sky with stars, the moon or the Galaxy, the sky & landscape, and the Sun, taken with the most advanced digital camera. Very rare and beautiful. Those photos of the sky and stars make us think about how big this universe is, and the smallness of us human beings. We hate and kill each other on this earth but this is such a small world when we compare it with the universe. We are such a stupid, tiny creatures...

This morning I walked to the office through the residential area on the hill, and went through a small local park. To my surprise there were many paper lanterns displayed in it, it seems they'd have a festival, maybe have some festival dance in the park in near future. It's common a neighbouthood association have a small festival in local park at the beginning of June or July. I pass through this park just sometimes and have never seen this decoration before. Anyway this means now the summer is going to come. I'm not sure if I should be pleased or not XD When I was young "summer" means the vacation, recreation, a summer trip or going to te beach.. hot but enjoyable seasonit was. But now it means the severe, murderous heat !!! :(

Today I worked at home. Mother has gone out all day for the meeting of her haiku-poem group. They stroll around in a certain big park and make haiku-poems, then gather in a meeting room to talk about their poems. Mother is 87 but has the energy to join such outing once a month. After she left home I noticed she has left her smartphone at home. This meant I couldn't contact her till she'd come home late in the afternoon. This was quite ordinary, natural thing before we have begun to bring the mobile phones. But now, the idea I can't contact her when she is out made me feel nervous (not for me, of course. Mother is fit enough still 87...). I have been somewhat uneasy all day.
Thus the modern technology has spoilt us, without that small instrument we can be so childish...


Flowers of Ogatama tree in rain…

It's spring now. Even on a gloomy day we can see many flowers or fresh leaves which make me feel good and cheerful. Though recently I notice I am somewhat in a slight depresison :( There is some heaviness in my mind always. During the daytime of weekend I have many things to do in the garden so it's good, but in the evening I feel this heaviness and find a little energy to do something creative. One of the reasons might be the anxiety about the surgery my mother will be having this week and maybe in June. And about the uncertainty of life in near future? Or, this might be just because I don't have the plan of my holiday trip - I'm not sure about how mother would manage after the surgery and not feeling like planning a long trip abroad :( Maybe I should make a short domestic travel, maybe to kayak on some beach in near future. Not sure... Anyway at least I'm fortunate to have the nice house and garden I have to take care of, and my rabbit who always cheers me up :)

Early morning. I wake up, in my futon I can hear my rabbit Krurun munching the dried timothy grass in her cage. I go to the living room to open the shutter of the main window, this wakes our garden cats from their sleep, they start miaowing to demand the breakfast. But my mother, who usually feed them, is still sleeping. She is now 87 and still well, fit for her age. I open other shutters. In our garden now mimosa, narcissus and Yukiyanagi (Spiraea thunbergii) are in full bloom. I look around the rooms full of the memorabilia of my family. The ordinary morning routine. And every day I feel the happiness, feel that how fortunate I am and thank for that.
And this happiness would not last for ever, I know well. So I think, I should, I will fully enjoy this fortunate days as much as I can.

I have a long relationship with my friend Mari. Never being very close but we have been friends for about 40 years.
Mari is a smart lady who has graduated from one of the best universities in Japan, got a job at one of the biggest companies in Japan, then quited the job to study abroad. She has read many books, can speak good English and understand Russian, has learnt horse riding and traveled overseas many times. And she has good looks. But she has been mostly unhappy, always worrying. According to her she is always treated unfairly in the office, her co-workers and bosses are all stupid and never understand her. First I and other friends sympathized with her and got angry for her, but after some years we have learned that she herself had never listen to nor understand other people's saying and worries, always obsessed with her own problems and can never imagine what other people feel. She has wanted to get married to a smart, good looking man with a high income and complete understanding of her, have children and nice family since her 30s but never found a suitable man. She is now 60 and still brooding on why she failed in finding a partner.
When she was younger, she showed good nature, for example the vivid curiosity about many things or motivtion to study. But recently every time I talked (or wrote, or e-mailed) to her - most of time I try to cheer her up or give her some advice to feel easier - I run into quite unpleasant experiences in the end because she always assert that she is right, I am wrong, I don't understand her at all etc. She behaves as if she loves being unhappy and feeling miserable.
Now I know well that she is mentally distorted, morbidly persists in her own opinions. Her interest is always just in herself. What a waste of life and talent! So, in spite of her intellect and our mutual good will and friendship, she is a quite unpleasant person to associate with. And now I believe this is because of some disorder in her brain, very close to "mentally disabled" condition.
You might ask me why I don't give her up, don't break off the relationship with her. Well ... one of the reasons is that I still feel she is my friend, and furthermore, I can learn what I should do and what I should not do or say from her inappropriate attitude.
Not keep grumbling about what I have not got in the past, but count what I have in my hands. Not ask others for pity and help but help others first when I can. Not complain of the loneliness but say hello to anyone who passes by me. These are all Mari - her shameful attitude has taught me. They are sometimes difficult to do but I try to do. And I hope Mari herself would learn the same thing some day.